Letting Go as an Act of Self-Compassion—with Sharon Salzberg

What is the cost of your obsession?

Dear Friends,

When Sharon Salzberg was teaching at a meditation retreat, a student asked her: Has anyone ever died of restlessness in meditation? Sharon said: Not from one moment at a time of it.

“We have physical pain, disappointment, restlessness, and anxiety,” Sharon shared. “Whatever it is, we tend to compound it, not only: This is what I'm feeling right now. But, this is what I'm going to feel like next year. Everything congeals and feels permanent and heavy.

When we realize that it's one moment at a time of it, then we can explore. What we see is that even though something may last over time, within itself it’s moving. It’s changing and flowing. It’s in the live system. As a friend with a severe chronic pain condition said: "I found the space within the pain.”

How do you discover the space within the pain?

As a renowned author, teacher, and meditation pioneer, Sharon has made a transformative difference in my internal dialogue; Most significantly, in helping me avoid being overcome by my emotions. (My most repeated Sharon phrase is: The point isn’t not to have the emotion. It’s not to be overcome by it.) Here, I’m excited to share three questions from our latest podcast that support that process.

Are you acknowledging your suffering? While listening to Sharon speak at Stanford, I paused when she asked: What if every time that you felt fear or anger—and you called it bad or weak—what if you translated those states into the word suffering? I was surprised by the immediate relief I felt. She explained the importance of that distinction.

“It’s an experiential point. Bring up a time in your life when you were very jealous. See how you feel about it and about yourself when you condemn it and think: Why am I thinking thoughts like that? I'm a terrible person.

As compared to, bring up a time when you were jealous and recognize that's really a painful state. That’s a time of suffering. How do you feel about yourself then?

Our tendency when something is painful is to add shame and fear to the experience, which only compounds it. Whereas if we recognize those as states of suffering, then we feel a sense of compassion and caring for ourselves in the light of these very challenges.”

What are the add-ons?  (i.e. How are you making this story worse?) One of my favorite quotes from Sharon’s book, Real Life, is: “We move from constriction to expansion not by demanding that a painful emotion just simply disappear or by straining to change its nature, but by surrounding it with spaciousness.” Essentially, “we effect change by profoundly transforming the environment the pain is held within.” I’ve been eager to learn how to create that spaciousness.

“One of the first things that we do is look for the add-ons. Am I projecting this into the future? This is all I'll ever feel. Am I adding a sense of isolation? I'm the only one who ever feels this. I should have done more yoga. This is all my fault.

It’s so common to add blame, shame, and projection into the future. Right away, all those add-ons take up space. They're creating clutter in our hearts and minds. If we relinquish their hold, there's more opening. That’s the essence of mindfulness: Look for the add-ons.”

What is the “cost of your obsession”?  In Sharon’s conversation with her friend and colleague, Jack Kornfield, they explored his teacher’s wisdom that: “You can’t get enlightened through effort. You have to let go. The more deeply you can let go, the freer you will become.”

Still, we can often hold onto events and misfortunes for years. How can we release the stories that prevent us from living fully?

“Letting go doesn't mean trying to pretend that something didn't matter or was hurtful. Those things could be true. But, at the same time, it’s out of a very deep compassion for ourselves. It’s not because it’s bad or wrong to obsess about these things. But, it does take up a lot of space and time. It’s hard to live fully and freely when we're going over, over, and over it again. Sometimes, you just say: Been down this path already. I'm going forward. It's not a rejection or denial. It's a very beautiful stance to take.”

Sharon describes mindfulness as skills training. With sustained practice, these tools become ingrained; Surfacing to help you question your thoughts and redirect your energy in the moment. “Situations are complex,” she added. “But, if we’ve practiced that skill, we remember to go back into the body and feel what we're feeling. We cultivate a certain sense of balance—That's the skill.”

With love,

Jenna

P.S. If you feel inspired to listen to our past conversations, you can tune in here: The Cultivation of Freedom and Happiness and The Journey from Contraction to Expansiveness